Setting boundaries
Our habitual practice of people-pleasing has been embedded in from us from a very early age. Especially for women, who are, by nature, caregivers. Biologically, women are nurturers and feel the need to constantly accommodate those around them. It can become almost self-sacrificial.
Over time, taking on so much can make us lose perspective. We get caught up in giving to others that receiving takes a backseat. Relationships become imbalanced under the strain of our never-ending commitments, we become out of sync with our true self, and we burn out. We are disconnected with ourselves.
Learning how to find balance is key and it starts with boundaries. It’s not becoming self-centred, but rather self-aware. Ask yourself ‘‘am I tending to my needs’’ and ‘‘am I looking after myself’’? When you start to shift your perspective from ‘‘they’’ to ‘’me’’, you will find yourself working towards balance. You will start to understand who you are, let yourself be seen and believe that you are enough.
What boundaries do we need?
First and foremost, it’s important to have personal boundaries and ensure they aren’t being crossed. You should also set boundaries at work, in friendships, with family and parents. It is something we should practice on a regular basis in all our relationships.
Boundaries are knowing when to say no. Saying no to yourself, for yourself. Saying no to others, for others. Boundaries have somewhat of a stigma attached to them. We feel an overwhelming sense of guilt by turning something down or saying no to someone. We are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or creating confrontation. At first, it may feel that way but boundaries can ultimately lead to a new found respect, understanding and trust in a relationship.
By speaking up for yourself, you might face the risk of being labelled ‘difficult’. This is an inhibiting effect on our mind, body and spirit, and it stems from society and our upbringing. It affects how we feel about ourselves and what we believe we deserve. So, to create clear boundaries and feel comfortable with who we are, we need to have self-compassion. This honours our ability to feel worthy of love and respect from others. Without it, we would have no voice to object when someone is taking more from us. When we have appreciation for ourselves, others will too.
Putting ourselves first isn't selfish but a necessary step in our growth as a person and throughout our life. Of course, it is much easier to say yes to meeting a friend, but learning to say no preserves your energy. You might be feeling tired or not up to seeing someone, but there may not be any reason whatsoever. There’s no need to excuse our human need to take time for ourselves. In fact, when we lead by example, it teaches people how to treat us. Boundaries are a form of self-care that enable us to show up better.
Communicating your boundaries
Overcoming the guilt and fear to set your own boundaries is all in the way you communicate. Be direct, firm and considerate. Remember why you are doing it. It is because you love those around you and in order to show up, you need to love yourself, listen to your body and take care. You are doing this for the better of yourself and those around you.
In order to communicate your emotional state clearly, these types of conversations are better in person or via phone. The tone of texts and emails can be easily misinterpreted (we’ve all been there). Always be willing to listen to their thoughts, without letting their feelings and opinions waver your decision making. Perhaps no one knew there was an issue, so explain your concerns in a thoughtful manner. This is a positive turning point in your relationship, so no matter how hard the conversation can feel, be optimistic.
Lead by example
Setting reasonable boundaries is an act of self-love. While it’s for your personal benefit, others will also reap the benefits of having a more present ‘‘you’’. Initially, communicating the new boundaries can feel uncomfortable, however, your strength in setting them will become recognised. We are on a constant journey of learning and discovery, so while you may lead by example, you can always give your family or friends hints and nudges along the way. Remember, you can set boundaries without explanation!