Maintaining self-love in a relationship
A relationship of any kind requires a certain level of awareness and self-assurance. Learning to love yourself is an important part of making relationships work. Why? When two people who are content with themselves come together, they can truly connect, communicate and celebrate one another. It forms the foundation of a conscious relationship and brings more pleasure to your life.
Conscious relationships are partnerships that enhance the energy, creativity and happiness of each individual. They stem from both parties understanding themselves and recognising their thoughts, patterns and emotional vulnerability. When you really know yourself, you start to develop curiosity and empathy for others which improves your relationships. Instead of judging others, you learn more about what they are saying. Often we aren’t fully present or listening to another person which can unintentionally result in a monologue, creating anxiety and disconnection. In a conscious relationship both parties are open to a state of flow, giving their fullest attention to one another. It opens up a dialogue and sets the tone for a space where you can be your true self and feel a new level of connection.
The media has a tendency to sell us the perfect love story. It glorifies the idea that to live happily ever after, love is a painful self-sacrifice and we can only be healed or completed by another person. Believing that we are not enough on our own and we have to go above and beyond to be loved is a heavy burden to carry around. Until we learn to accept ourselves, we hold onto this version of love and will continue to meet the same person with the hope of a different outcome. Moving away from this concept of codependency, where you neglect yourself to be loved or chosen by another human being, is key to a conscious relationship. It requires cultivating self-love and feeling content with who you are. To be at peace with yourself means you require less validation from others. When you don’t need anyone else’s approval, you can release the fear that is trapped in your body and holding you back.
Cultivating self-love
Being a great partner requires a high level of self-care. If all of your energy is being given to another person and you are neglecting your own needs, let’s face it, a) you aren’t going to be much fun to be around and b) you won’t be having much fun either! This outcome is pent up anger, frustration and resentment which may well show itself in tense situations or arguments. We all have the power to shift our patterns without having to rely on anyone else to change. Often we think it’s the other person in the relationship that has the problem but perhaps we’re focusing too much on them and not enough on ourselves. It’s less about what they are doing and more about what you are not doing for yourself. Focus some of that energy back on yourself with an act of self-care. Do something you enjoy, something that inspires you or will help you relax and feel good about yourself. Self-acceptance can help you think about treating yourself kindly through healthy eating, exercising or mindful activities that keep you in the present moment. Learn to love aspects of yourself that you once deemed as unlovable. When you deeply love yourself, you’re more likely to attract someone who also values themselves. Whereas if you struggle to love, accept and value yourself, you will attract people in the same position, so neither of you are bringing your full selves and undivided attention to the relationship.
There is a fear that can prevent you from getting to know yourself and each other. A fear of rejection. It’s powerful to understand your core values in a relationship and work towards them with another person. These are the priorities that you hold most important in your relationships. Doing so can be the start of a true authentic connection as you start to create more fulfilling interactions where your needs can be met. It also creates mutual respect, trust and safety. Make a list of the most important things to you emotionally and physically. Revisit these values often and notice how they evolve with time. Just as you change as a person, your values also change. This is why self-awareness is so important - if you don’t understand yourself, you won’t notice shifts or changes in the things you value the most. Have conversations regularly about these values with the other person. If you don’t know what your values are, start to brainstorm things that bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. It’s an ongoing process!
A relationship is meant to enrich our lives, no matter if it’s romantic or friendship. It’s a space where you can feel grounded and at ease with another. If a relationship is draining you, perhaps it’s consuming you rather than stimulating you. Conscious relationships are really about self-love and when you love yourself, you will be loved and capable of loving others.
To learn more about conscious relationships, watch our online session, Connecting Beyond Difference.